Diatribe's Hard and Fast Rules for Gentle & Manly Living

Welcome back.  We have been on a many-moon hiatus, but are back now to howl at celestial bodies and your brain stem.  Thanks for reading.

This post is the first in a series attempting to amass a corpus of guiding principles that the tiger-eyed, silk-girded reader might find useful in the pursuit of Gentle & Manly Living.  Off we go.

• Do not do 'the wave.'  Just don't.  Don't encourage it or acknowledge it.

• A man should have nose hairs. [thanks, J. Donaghy]

• What's the largest animal you've ever hunted?  If it would fit in your dishwasher, go find one that won't.

• Spend more than $5 on a umbrella. 

• Here's how you know when a word is ideal for cussin': It can function as 3+ parts of speech.

• Never start a sentence with "like" or "I mean."  But the stringent high school rule of never opening statements with conjunctions is heretofore rendered void. [blow me, Mrs. McCarthy]

• When conversing in English with an ESL individual, speak back in their accent.  It will make them feel right at home in this strange barrio.

• Light beer should be reserved for days when > 1 gallon of liquid is being imbibed.

• If you venture down the path of experimental facial hair (a quintessential introspective exercise), keep your noggin' hair long.  Else-wise you will be mistaken for a a neo-Nazi, a trifling floozy, or worse, a hipster.

• Learn how to drive.  Need I say more?

• No need to wash your hands after you pee: unless you are 4 (or were cursed with an unsightly anteater) you shouldn't be peeing on your hands.  Instead wash before, so you can be sure you touch your manhood with clean, reverent hands.

• Computers are our slaves.  Treat them as such.

• If offered a drink, accept.  Arnold Palmers are preferred libation for a sunny day when school's out.

• Only write in cursive if it's at a 45 degree slant.

• Snoop Dogg has the best voice, no qualification needed.  It makes you fearful, horny and giggly at the same time.

• Be nice to old ladies, even if you're a dick to everyone else.

• Hydrate.  "But we already covered this!"  Shut up, it's important.

• Don't go to Starbucks unless you have a gift card. 

• If unfurnished with a visible name tag, most waitresses prefer to be addressed as "toots."  [well said, C. Craddock]

• Red pants indicate danger.

• Boogie Nights ... just, Boogie Nights.

Until next time.  It has been altogether real.

- Franklin Boon