Orange ya glad I didn't say banana?

something that is fucked up:

Rich people who buy shitty toilet paper (npi*). Are you KIDDING me? That's the least appreciated part of your body, dealing with shit, getting shit on and shitting itself. Hook it up for Christ's sake. If you take away that 5th Audi, you can start applying those funds to important things. Like fluffy paper to wipe your ass with.


I don't understand you, porn industry:

what is the appeal of a video entitled "handjob in car"? does the fact that this is happening in a motor vehicle somehow make a handjob enjoyable to watch? Maybe the acoustics are great in there. Who knows. Shit, no, you know what, they needed that particular hue of Miata Blue. And she is a retired hand model: just looked beautiful on that background. And if you recognized that brushed stainless wristlet, I'm not surprised because that video was financed by J.C. Penney. Great product placement.


There should be more subjects for this rant, but I don't have the storyweaving abilities of Bill Simmons. Speaking of which, fuck you Sports Guy. Simmons has the best job ever. And he shoves it in my face. It wasn't enough to just shower me with his wry wit, he also has to brag about the inanity of his columns. Which I love, don't get me wrong. He is just the most masturbatory writer of all time. It's great. In his "mailbag" column he posted an email that berated him for his absurd attention to detail of a number of reality shows that he delves into in his sports column. It must be satisfying to know that the guy reads his column enough to know how he breaks down Survivor, even if every word is painful. Bill Simmons, you are a man without a master. I envy your liberty.


*No Pun Intended

Dear Natalie

This is a poem in the style of ancient Hebrew erotic poetry, dedicated to Natalie Portman's sensual and evocative performance in the film Black Swan.

In white you were beautiful,

Were slender, tender and fragile

You floated on gusts of your own grace

You moved with girlish gentleness

But in black you struck like thunderclaps

The force of your twirls and thrusts could deafen.

Your face in striking shadow, terrifying beauty

Your lips a lustful sneer that draws me in and in

Your eyes are black magnets; I cannot escape you.

-Kadetrix Bolingbroke Martini