Monday, December 14, 2009
Taken out of context, these could seem offensive to fetching, Daniel Boone-era partridge flurry-probers:
1. (Ice cream=cool?)
Albatrosstracize: were they male or female?
Brevi(wet)tyshirtcontest: one of each. not sure who gave me the 10 though. probly the ho
A: probably the guy - wanted some of that backdoor action
B: yeah you're right he did write his number and an lolSmileyFace on an unused doily that he slipped into my breast pocket when i wasnt looking
A: the weirdest part about that scenario is only that he would write it on a doily instead of an unused ballot or something
B: i thought so too, until i was sipping tea off of Shmordan's naked, childlike body later and realized i needed a doily more than i needed a blowjay. so i called him and told him how thoughtful he was. he called me a dirty jew and hung up. what did you do for halloween beeteedubbs?
A: dressed up as queen frostine from candyland, went downtown with my friends princess lolly and lord licorice to a loft party on the west side. had a silly time. what about you?
B: you do truly embody silliness. i dressed up as Slutty Mrs. Doubtfire with my friend Braille and then went to Fell's not once, but twice. i have zero recollection of the first time and i have no idea why i went back. but i probably had fun
A: i'm not sure if i even want to know how one dresses up as slutty mrs. doubtfire
B: that's like my friend Ronald saying "no, don't" when i offered to pick up his $560 tab at the strip club last week. of course you want to know.
A: not like that, no. cuz in Ronald's example, he ultimately gains from you picking up the tab and he's just trying a thinly masked attempt at sincerity. whereas i don't really gain from having images of sexy mrs doubtfire float around in my head. sort of like images of jordan's naked childlike body. but thanks for these stunning visuals
B: firstly, he ultimately loses because he doesnt gain the valuable lesson of taking responsibility for his actions. but im glad you're enjoying the image flotation. also, i just hope you wouldnt try to stymie the freedom of expression of mid-60s women with hairy legs and, as it turns out, junk down below.
A: psh i am not a stymier. to each his own
2. (Amid Afghanis and overwhelmingly saturating smells. hint: it's under the way)
Lieberschnitzel: well if we all technically have relationships with everybody, then you have a relationship with Sheeny, no?
Ms. Idle-vice: no. of course we have a relationship, but we're not in a relationship like you and Cindy. I keep Sheeny at arm's length. But that bitch is obsessed with you. she's gonna fucking kill you some day.
L: What are you talking about? i gots that ho on a strang. child please, you sluttish Von Trapp wannabe.
M: Oh really? you think you got her under control til she flips out one day and goes all Elin Nordegren on your ass. she's gonna kill you and then rape you.
L: Girls can't even rape dead bodies! you ignorant chuckleface. one more advantage of having that Y chromosome. you're really just grasping at camels' backs at this point, you gook-loving bucket of spinal fluid!
M: You can't deter me with your slightly-less-than-far fetched insults! Just because I have a bucket of baby spinal fluid in my garage doesnt mean that I am one! Of course she could find a way to rape you. She'll do it. You fucking watch out. she's gonna inject you with some mixture of Fiji Water and other things that will render you rapeable. Get out while you can, shartsnuffer!
L: Hold on, she's calling me.... Hey babe....yeah, where?
3. (And finally, a gangster rap battle on the streets of Newport News, VA)
Young Siggy Freud: Crackin' yolks like I'm crackin these jokes, when I'm servin you an omelet, funny-side up.
The Chinese Fireball: I take yuh yolk and make flied lice, serve it up real nice, while ya bitch Sheondra imbibes the fruit of my loins thrice
Y: I got no qualms to embalm you after I stomp you, show you how it feels to get-eh-eh-to get beat for real
T: Negative B, plus or minus the square root of B-squared minus 4AC, ALL over 2A, nucca!
Y: I'm keen for this sticky green, a bean ain't the magical fruit no more, I'm sticky-icky-icky to the core
T: Cannabis is a genus of flowering plants that includes three putative species, Cannabis sativa, Cannabis indica and Cannabis ruderalis Janisch. These three taxa are indigenous to Central and South Asia.
Y: Puffin on the magical dragon, aka reefer, aka weed, your words i don't heed, my high is all i need
T: THAT'S WHY I FUCKED YOUR BITCH YOU FAT MOTHERFUCKER!!!!!!!!
Y: aight man, you got it. chill.
Sunday, December 13, 2009
"It had impaired my ability to have a sculpture garden"
Homegirls and boys, welcome to the Mansfield Wrotto Memorial Winter Wonderland Sexxxtravaganza:
The taste of his hairy plas-dick
I kissed Pat Burrell just to try it
Now I call him Mr. Fantastic
It felt so fab
So he said, "Thanks!"
I kissed Pat Burrell and I liked it
Watch all the funny shit I posted over there above Joe Mauer. Those guys are all close buds so any support means a lot.
The best album I've ever heard (right now) is something I spent $4 on and is called "Rare Hendrix." His guitar sodomizes my soul with its beauty every single track [Good Feeling, Voice In The Wind, Go Go Shoes Part 1, Go Go Shoes Part 2, Good Times, Bring My Baby Back, Suspicious last but best Hot Trigger]. Just believe me.
Random sampling of the top 100 comments from the peanut gallery in my head:
3. Why am I wearing pants?
28. Why hasn't she gotten me food yet?
79. Why are you talking to me right now?
44. Fuck that shit.
41. Hey, you, get offa my cloud!
69. There's no way I actually have to get out of bed for at least an hour.
Thanks to the sexiest former-rasta/quaker in Waterville for this!:
i just need a woman who's intelligent and passionate
and cook when i dont ask
you know i don't hassle halibut
-->Do work Wale
One and one and one is three.
Something I was thinking of over the summer:
"i have a lot of time to think at my job. here's what i came up with. top 5 non-sexual fantasy:
Michael Westen narrating key moments of my life with his deadpan delivery and overused metaphors.
Samuel L. repeating "fuck" or "motherfucker" every time I say them (i would obviously say them more)
Stu Scott saying, "he put that SAUCE on him" every time i do something awesome
Sir Charles saying, "Bwah Asa bwah,"(bwah=boy) every time i do something questionable or unknightly.
i think i need one more voice to complete the pentfecta. i guess the only thing preventing this from actually happening is that Westen isnt a real person. fuck."
-A younger me
Da way my wrist gliss I make a hood bitch say damn
My necklace, rubbers and da fact I go ham
It's lonely up here man I need to come down
So many O's I made da bank teller pass out
My traphouse floor lookin like a magic city monday
but ain't no singles its just big head hunnits (hundreds)
My car is gettin washed by this ugly ass junkie
I keep laughin like a woman but ain't shit funny
[above are actual song lyrics]
With Love,
-Starlin Kubarius Castro
2300 Wilson Circle, Nepal.
The Fifteenth Day of December, 2009
PEACE bitches
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