Welcome back. We have been on a many-moon hiatus, but are back now to howl at celestial bodies and your brain stem. Thanks for reading.
This post is the first in a series attempting to amass a corpus of guiding principles that the tiger-eyed, silk-girded reader might find useful in the pursuit of Gentle & Manly Living. Off we go.
- Do not do 'the wave.' Just don't. Don't encourage it or acknowledge it.
- A man should have nose hairs. [thanks, J. Donaghy]
- What's the largest animal you've ever hunted? If it would fit in your dishwasher, go find one that won't.
- Spend more than $5 on a umbrella.
- Here's how you know when a word is ideal for cussin': It can function as 3+ parts of speech.
- Never start a sentence with "like" or "I mean." But the stringent high school rule of never opening statements with conjunctions is heretofore rendered void. [blow me, Mrs. McCarthy]
- When conversing in English with an ESL individual, speak back in their accent. It will make them feel right at home in this strange barrio.
- Light beer should be reserved for days when > 1 gallon of liquid is being imbibed.
- If you venture down the path of experimental facial hair (a quintessential introspective exercise), keep your noggin' hair long. Else-wise you will be mistaken for a a neo-Nazi, a trifling floozy, or worse, a hipster.
- Learn how to drive. Need I say more?
- No need to wash your hands after you pee: unless you are 4 (or were cursed with an unsightly anteater) you shouldn't be peeing on your hands. Instead wash before, so you can be sure you touch your manhood with clean, reverent hands.
- Computers are our slaves. Treat them as such.
- If offered a drink, accept. Arnold Palmers are preferred libation for a sunny day when school's out.
- Only write in cursive if it's at a 45 degree slant.
- Snoop Dogg has the best voice, no qualification needed. It makes you fearful, horny and giggly at the same time.
- Be nice to old ladies, even if you're a dick to everyone else.
- Hydrate. "But we already covered this!" Shut up, it's important.
- Don't go to Starbucks unless you have a gift card.
- If unfurnished with a visible name tag, most waitresses prefer to be addressed as "toots." [well said, C. Craddock]
- Red pants indicate danger.
- Boogie Nights ... just, Boogie Nights.
Until next time. It has been altogether real.
- Franklin Boon
