Fairy Tale or Lies?

As I sit on B Level of the MSE library--to most who pass, just another unobtrusive head, barely popping above the wooden walls of my horrible little cubicle--studying the jumbled Sand- & Shit-storm (also known as the Arab-Israeli Conflict), my adventurous mind begins to wander. After my third (and by then, sweaty) set of Kegel exercises, it's time for some close observation on the herpes-esque scab on my wenis (the 'W' right there is crucial). No new developments were observed, however, so for the 14th consecutive time, my medical log book reads simply, "No signs that this ugly shit is anything except a FAT case of the herp-a-lerp." As my attention wanes and waxes like the fucking moon on methamphetacrack, I continue my search for something to stave off having to interpret another "Towelheads vs. Fat-nosed Christ-Killers" dance-off illustration that dominates my notebook in lieu of written notes (high-five, me!).

My desperate search comes to a sudden close as my eyes rest upon the most intriguing thing I have seen in days. On a shelf across from where I am seated, sits a book that I believe is the reason for so many asian peopre studying at American universities. The title of the book is simply: Fertility In Asia. Now let me get into my theory.

I have this friend, let's call him Butterscotch Fritter*, who I share a number of views with. He and I combine for some, dare I say, very astute observations. One rainy day, as we discussed everything from discuses to disgust, we came to the stunning realization that we have never seen a pregnant asian woman before. Not only that, but we had never smelled, tasted, heard or touched one either (although B-Fritts said he may have smelled one once, but he thinks it was maybe just an accumulation of scents as he walked down Canal Street). This realization seemed especially odd considering the fact that China is home to 16/17ths of the world's population, and this number is growing (some predict that the fraction will soon become improper, as crazy as that sounds and may eventually have to be converted into a mixed number). We consulted our friends, and determined that not a single person that either of us knew, had seen a Preggasian. This was the only picture that Google provided me with. Anyway, we came to the conclusion that asians must be mass-produced (a la milk, see upcoming post) without the aid of any uteri, placentae or love. We speculated that all the rice patties across the great country of China, must really be disguised growing fields, like in The Matrix. No wonder so many are pumped out so fast! Hot with our new discovery, B-Fritts and I caught the first train to the District in order to alert Mr. Nobel Peace Prize to the secret Chinese plan to engulf planet Earth with their growing numbers. We were headed off, however, mere miles from the White House, by the ever-vigilant Rahm "Bahm-Ba-Dahm" Emanuel, who told us plainly, "Come back with proof you fear-mongering Yiddiots."

And find proof we did. After over-hearing two little yellow men whisper about "The Plan" while in deep cover at the E.L.Q.R.E. (East Lansing Quarterly Rice Exchange, duh), we knew it was time to take matters into our own hands. And by "matters" I of course mean "Asians, against their will." We performed several abductions--mostly in broad dayright in front of several of Baltimore's finest--and proceeded to interrogate our prisoners for information on The Plan. After several hours of arduous waterboarding (great for triceps and lats!), we got the information that we required. The truth may shock you. It turns out that the secrets to The Plan (codename: Operation YelloWash), are contained within a small book that was lost many years ago by its caretaker Bao Yu Xiang (codename: Crouching tiger, hidden poonsnatch). "Where is that book?" you might ask. It is the same Fertility In Asia book that is currently resting between Fertility Policy In Israel and The Decline Of Belgian Fertility, 1800-1970, not seven feet from where I sit.

It turns out that the Chinese government suspected that the book was housed in one of the libraries of one of the United States' top universities. Thus, China deployed its brightest and best, spreading these young products of YelloWash to America's top centers of higher learning from Stanford to Samford, in an attempt to locate the all-important book. The most talented droids were sent to the best universities, as these institutions usually have the most extensive book collections. "So THAT'S why they spend so much time in the library!" you are now saying to yourself. The answer is yes. Additionally, you're welcome. I can't decide what's stronger in me now, the pride I feel for being an American Hero or the surprise that I found what the army of enrolled asians never were able to.

You're welcome too, Barack Hussein. I saved your ass. Between paragraphs I got up and secured the most important book in the world, stowing it deep in the safety of my JanSport. There's a chopper waiting on the roof, so I got to get going in a second, in order to personally deliver the key to American hegemony into the capable hands of the Leader of the Free World. Save your congratulations world, just promise me you'll attend the parade in my honor. I am proud to be the vanquisher of the evil designs of China. America, fuck yeah.

Stay classy, folks.

*Butterscotch Fritter is not my friend's real name.