Rome snitches

Lungotevere is the road that runs along the Tiber River in Rome. If you know Italian, everything following the predicate in that first sentence is superfluous. It is a very busy road. There are certain places where I cross it in dire peril. I feel that living here in Italy with all its sensory pleasures has made me appreciate life more, but then again, it might just be the knowledge that I am constantly escaping death-by-smartcar that has given my life that extra golden dusting.

Lungotevere is a busy fucking road. Did I mention that? It is hectic and loud. It is chaos. This is Italy (Africa, Sparta, etc.). Mopeds weave rapidly through red light traffic in order to get up to the light in expectancy of the starter’s gun of red-becoming-green. Traffic laws are suggestions at best. Six, eight, ten cars gun it through yellow and then red lights, ending up stuck in the intersection, sticking their tiny car asses out and blocking the perpendicular flow of traffic.

And then come the horns. The beeps and boops and comically un-intimidating (when compared with their American counterparts) Carabinieri sirens. The deep honk of buses provides a bass line for this symphony of impatience and discord.

And the Italians honk like they damn well mean it. I mean they really let you hear it. The equation for honking is as follows.

(Seconds you made them wait)(minutes since their last cigarette smoked x 2)=HT

where HT=honk time.

That’s about the extent of my math.

(A short tangent before this story climaxes all over your face and runs down your sweaty chest/breast: As previously alluded to, crossing streets in Rome is dangerous. A tried and true method is a little skill I like to call “Drafting behind middle-aged women.” Not to get into this too much, but the trick is to cross the street while an at least somewhat-attractive middle-aged Italian woman is also crossing. As it turns out, the horribly obnoxious flirty tendencies of Italian men mean that if a woman actually survives to middle age, it is understood that she has endured so many catcalls and so many demeaning advances that at this point in her life she deserves utmost respect. Thus, when these women cross the street, the cars pause without honking at all, in a show of respect to her, aka putting the Figa on a Pedestal. So I run behind these women to preserve my life and not get honked at. It is a failsafe method that I would recommend to anyone.)

ALLORA

So now that you know that extent of Italian honking, you might be like, “ew that shit’s gross and loud and I’m not tryna hear it.” I feel ya girl. But honestly, you get used to it, just like Jews in the ghetto of Rome got used to wearing yellow hats whenever they were allowed out into the real world. It becomes part of the day-to-day. ALLORA, anyone who has lived in Rome for more than a month is used to this incessant honking and it becomes white noise, the Immortal City’s take on chirping birds or crickets. (Quick sidenote: Living in Rome you see many nuns/priests/professional undercover child molestors/popes dressed in their religious garb walking around. And I feel it’s not a stretch to assume these people aren’t just tourists; they’re probably here for a while).

ALLORA

While walking to school the other day, I encountered quite an amusing scene. I was walking along Lungotevere (remember it?) and saw ahead of me 2 things: 1. A traffic scene similar to what had been described above, with cars that had run the red light but had nowhere to go encroaching on the ability of the other cars to move, and thusly honkyville (not to be confused with Crossroads, Georgia (sorry Mr. Gill)) and 2. A very young northern-European looking priest all priested up. He seemed to be perturbed at the lack of lion/lamb reclining indicated by the honking and yelling (MA DAI!) and was condemning these poor souls with the best of his ability.

As I removed my earbuds and paused No Ceilings for just a few fleeting seconds I heard a line of much hilarity. Now it will be difficult to illustrate for you just how hilarious this was, as you must imagine the voice with which it was intoned. This young (I suspect) German priest had the EXACT voice of none other than our beloved Bruno. I don’t know how to do umlauts on the computer but I wish I did. Like very very very Bruno and very very very fabulous. What he said next will remain with me until the day I forget it.

“Dat is soooooo helpful you guys. Vhen you beep everyone goes fahstar. Totally.”

That’s the punchline. Enjoy.